The amazing adventures of Doug Hughes

Posts tagged ‘depression’

Struggling To Be Useful Today

Pardon the stream of though nature that I expect this blog post to embody.  I’m pretty much failing to do useful work today.  I did get some time in for one of my clients to finish up some unit tests I was writing and I worked on some details for a new project proposal.  But since then I’m really floundering and I’m not sure why or what I can do about it.

So, rather than do more of what I’ve done for the last couple hours, I’ve decided to hop on my treadmill and get some walking in.  I also figured that if I blog while walking that maybe, just maybe, I’d get some inspiration.

I could be working on Supporting.us, the non profit that the Alagad crew is starting up.  I need to get more content up on it, especially as related to refunds, etc.  I need this content not only so I can start promoting Supporting.us, but so I can show it to the merchant account provider and get approval for our merchant account.  With that we could really get started.

Given all the other things (ADD and depression) I’ve been trying to manage I’ve been giving myself a free pass on Supporting.us, but I’m thinking next week I’ll set a rule of doing one hour of work on it every day, first thing in the morning.  If I’m not enjoying the writing, then at least I’ll be doing a little bit each day.

Speaking of which, no chance you, fine reader, know of anyone who would be willing to donate some design time to make Supporting.us a little prettier?  If so, send me an email at doug@doughughes.net, please.

I could also be working on a couple of my other side projects (urate.it, respondin.gs, all my parked domains, etc).  But again, I’m just not.  And I’m not sure why.

Beyond that, I could also be outside trying to finish putting my kids play set together.  This would be something I just might enjoy, but it seems like I should be putting more effort into doing real work durring the weekday.

And so, I am here on the treadmill walking.  I’m hoping that maybe getting my blood flowing will get me off my arse.  And, on that note I just remembered that one of my clients needs me to research YouTube Direct.   I think I’ll do that.

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Talking To Myself

I finally figured out why the heck I’m writing this blog. I’m talking to myself.

You see, over the last week or so I’ve publicly spilled the beans on various challenges I’m working through including depression, ADD, business, etc. But I haven’t really been sure why I’ve been doing this.  There are some things I’ve talked about on here, where anyone can read, that I have a hard time talking to anyone, even my wife, about. Yet, I’ve felt compelled to write. But, why?!

Yesterday I wrote about the low I hit in my depression earlier this month. I explained the feelings of worthlessness, apathy, and a lot more.  I’m not exagerating when I say that I’ve never been that candid with anyone about how I’m feeling, ever.

There was a part of me that was hoping it would be a widely read article.  That didn’t happen, which is ok because I also didn’t really want people reading my private thoughts. There was also part of me that was hoping the few people I consider close friends would see it and tell me they care. (I suspect my close friends don’t spend as much time online as I do, which is OK.) I did, however, receive long emails from a family member and guy I worked with years ago.  Both messages were very kind and understanding, and described some similar challenges they struggle with.

These two emails had one unifying detail, they both extended an invitation to call them if I ever felt like talking about this stuff.  I can pretty much guarantee that’s never going to happen, and I’ll tell you why. If I call someone, especially someone I don’t talk to very often (everyone except my wife and parents), and start spouting about being depressed and frustrated, I’m putting them on the spot.  And I’m putting me on the spot too.  Frankly, I don’t even know what I would say to them.

I imagine myself in their shoes, feeling awkward. Of course, I’d be willing and happy to listen and talk, but it’s hard to know what to say. I’d do my best to be a good person and a good friend. Frankly, I don’t think there’s a thing anyone could say that would really make me feel better. I simply don’t want to put anyone else in that awkward position.

In the end, it’s a lot harder talking to someone about this than it is writing it. When writing, I can go back and revise what I’m saying.  I can edit, remove, leave out, add, and revise my thoughts.  I can come back later and delete an entry if I feel it’s too personal or raw. In the end, I actually get what I need out of writing these entries, introspection.  And, the people I care about and who care about me can read them and offer support (or awkward silences) at their leisure.  Or the whole damned world can ignore it.  It doesn’t matter,  I get what I need.

 

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Clawing My Way Out of The Metaphorical Grave

When I started my blog I was at a low point.  As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m afflicted with ADD and depression.  And, I have seasonal depression on top of it all. I don’t remember my SAD being so bad the last few years, but this year has been murder.

Perhaps this is because over the summer I felt pretty good and decided that perhaps I didn’t need to be on meds any more.  I had been taking a cocktail of Dextroamphetamine, Zoloft and Wellbutrin.  Oddly, I felt fine.  So, clearly I didn’t need that stuff any more and tapered off it.

I felt fine for the next few months, though looking back on it now I can see that I wasn’t doing well at all.  My ADD, which I had only discovered the year, before came back with a vengeance (not that it ever really went away).  I pretty much did as little work (that I was supposed to be doing) as possible.  I spent much of my time working on various side projects and sleeping in the middle of the day.  Don’t get me wrong, I still got things done for clients, but it was as infrequently as possible.  In fact, I hired a contractor to do much of my billable work for me.

The side projects I’ve worked on are actually pretty cool, but I haven’t finished any of them yet.  I’ve followed my traditional pattern where I start something, get it pretty far, and then drop it when it gets tedious or I get another brilliant idea that just can’t wait.

So, here I am, not really making money and not really getting any of my personal projects done – certainly not to a point where I could make money off of them. As you can imagine, this is rather stressful and depressing.  Any logical and reasonable person would, perhaps, redouble efforts to do billable work and/or maybe buckle down and get one of these side projects to a point where they could start making money.

I. Just. Couldn’t. Do. It.

And then winter came in and smacked me upside the head.

I was at a real low point a few weeks ago.  Laying in bed, curled up in a fetal position, nearly in tears.  It’s really hard to explain this to people not afflicted with depression.  There’s just a weight hanging on your soul.  It’s hard to move.  It’s hard to think.  It’s almost hard to breath.  And you can’t stop it.

Actually, that’s wrong.  You can manage depression, but it requires you to do something.  And then to not stop doing it.  For example, (real) exercise is a great way to improve depression.  Eating better will help too.  Vitamin D and getting outside in the sun can make huge differences as well.  Let’s face it, anytime we successfully make changes to better our health, we feel better.  But you have to keep doing it.  And even those without depression will attest that making these types of positive changes in your like, and keeping them going, is nye on impossible.  And failure just adds to feelings of worthlessness and apathy.

I spent the last couple months trying like hell to make some of these changes.  I stopped eating intentionally sweet food and lost 20+ pounds from that alone.  I also built a desk for my treadmill where I can walk and work.  (I’m typing this blog entry on it right now!) I find I can often walk for 90 minutes and get work done at the same time.  These things helped to a degree, but it wasn’t enough to pull me out of the depression.

And then I hit my low.  I was feeling so worthless that I would often fantasize of dying.  I would imagine getting cancer and wasting away.  Or getting run over by a bus.  Or, well, just getting so damned low that I just shut down and fell over dead.  Psychologists call these passive suicidal thoughts.  I wouldn’t have jumped in front of the proverbial bus, but I might not have jumped out of the way.

Additionally, I had been hiding the true depths of how I was feeling from my wonderful, loving, wife.  But she knew. I suppose it’s simular to what Paul Simon sang in his song, Graceland:

And she said losing love [depression]
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

I decided at that moment I really, really, had to get back on my meds.  My wife happens to take Zoloft as well and so I started using some of her pills while I waited for an appointment with my psychiatrist.  I also took my last few remaining Dextroamphetamine pills.  I started walking and working on the treadmill every single day (except yesterday when I was doing some heavy lifting work outside).

So now I’m on Zoloft and Ritalin and a couple of weeks have passed. I feel human again.  I feel like I have a big part of my brain back that had been missing in action for quite a while. And, I have a little bit of perspective on what I did to myself over the last half year.  It’s not perfect, but I swear to myself that I’m never again going to let myself get the way I was just a couple of weeks ago.

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Transition Point

Hi, I’m Doug Hughes.  This is a reboot of my personal blog at DougHughes.net.  I used to have another blog here a few years ago where I wrote about personal and technical topics.  This was back in a time when I was still getting my company, Alagad, off the ground and a lot of business and personal content was mingled together.

A while back I moved most of the content from DougHughes.net onto the Alagad blog and simply pointed DougHughes.net to Alagad.com.  That was fine and dandy, but it is now time for me to reclaim my own personal space on the internet.

The reason I’m doing this is because I’m going through a bit of a mid-career crisis.  I haven’t really talked about this publicly before and, honestly, I’m not quite sure why I’m going to start now.  Perhaps it’s so I can talk through the challenges I’m having.  Maybe I can get useful feedback from those people who read this.  Maybe it’s a narcissistic ego thing.  I don’t really know.

The problem I’m having is this: I don’t really enjoy the work I’m doing (contract web programming) as much as I used to.  There, I’ve said it out loud!  The world knows!  That at least that’s off my back!

There was a time when Alagad and programming was all I could think of, but these days I’m really longing to do something else.  A while back I hired my father in law as a program manager for Alagad.  Over time he took over many of the tasks I didn’t want to do such as collections.  This continued until we decided he should formally be the CEO of Alagad.  So at this point my role in Alagad is as a technical leader and programmer.  This has enabled me to luxury of thinking about doing something other than just Alagad.

In fact, in late in 2011 I quietly handed my resume around to a few companies but I didn’t really find anything I liked (that also liked me).  My idea was that I would take an extended leave of absence from Alagad, get a developer-level job with a startup company that I found interesting and use that as an opportunity to meet new people and learn new things.  It didn’t really pan out.

For those who are familiar with Alagad, please know that Alagad itself isn’t going anywhere, even if I do.  It’s being operated by capable hands and works is done, as always, by Alagad’s excellent employees and contractors.  If I step away from the company nothing will change.

Also, over the last few years I’ve brainstormed business and product ideas on an almost daily basis.  For a while I was trying to tweet one new business idea a day at DougsIdeas, but that petered out after a while.  I didn’t really get much feedback or interest in what I was trying to do.  However, I think some of my ideas are actually pretty good!  I even started work on a few of them, but I haven’t yet had any success taking them to any meaningful completion.

To complicate matters, I’ve learned that I have Depression and Attention Deficit Disorder.  I’m trying to treat these, but they sure can make it harder to do what you want to.  This has been very hard to admit to myself – or to anyone else, really.  I feel like I should be able to pick myself up do something, but it’s not really that easy.

What this all boils down to is this:

There are lots of things I want to do with myself.  By this I mean there are lots of businesses I would like to start or jobs I’m interested in.  I’m a curious person.  However, I don’t have a ton of time or money to invest in these businesses.  And depression and ADD often stymie me.

So, on this new blog I’m going to start trying to think verbosely about some of these challenges, things that I want to do.  I’m going to try to strategize ways to do these things.  I’ll also talk about other more personal things as well like family, friends, etc.  I’m going try to lay it all out for the world to see.  I hope to get some good feedback and support.  We’ll see where it goes.

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